Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
