dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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