you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Randomize
