Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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