Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize