he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
