Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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