as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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