wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
