I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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