you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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