My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
