He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
