Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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