We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
