i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
