i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize