What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
