You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
