are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just high enough for therapy.
Randomize
