when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
