I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
