3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
