...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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