someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
