mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
