Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize