Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
