Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Even my vagina gasped.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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