I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
