yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize