Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
third nipple confirmed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
