i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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