OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
