If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
