I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
