we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
