The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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