he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
