You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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