I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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