somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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