I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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