What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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