Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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