i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need moral support for this bender
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
