She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
