She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
