i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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