I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
