Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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