I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
