I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
so much tequila, so little girl.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
