you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
