Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
