I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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