Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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