i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
