My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize