I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
