I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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