I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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