first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
