PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
