What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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