Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize