The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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