I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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