i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
